Why I Ask: A Therapists POV
Therapy can be intimidating especially if there is a lack of transparency on the therapists’ part. This can emphasize a power imbalance, make clients suspicious, or just make it harder to be vulnerable with your therapist. Do you wonder why therapists ask specific questions? In this blog post, we discuss why counselors ask the questions they do and how to understand what they are meaning by the questions.
Here are some common questions your therapist may ask you and why they may be asking.
Where does that live in your body?
This question allows us to tap deeper in our bodies and sink into the felt experience of our emotions and stories. Often we become disconnected from our bodies as emotional beings and see them as physical but our bodies have so much wisdom to offer. This question can be challenging because you may feel compelled to give your therapist a resonance but really it is just a check into what you are feeling so if you feel nothing let them know that!
How do you identify and with whom is that ok to use?
This is a big question that has a lot of nuance to it so let's break it down. Your therapist should always ask how you identify in some form. Whether this be on the intake or in person it is essential to provide space for you to let us know who you are. This may be a topic for sessions to delve deeper into or you may have already done that work and want to talk about something different, either way let us know. The second part of the question has some complexity to it and depends on a lot of things. A therapist should never be sharing any information about you without an informed consent. So this assumes that you and your therapist have talked about important people who need to know aspects of your mental healthcare; these consents can always be revoked and may have limitations as to what can be shared. Once therapists have these consents it is important to know if those people are safe to share your identity with so as to keep you safe. If your therapist has a consent for your doctor but you don’t want them knowing that you identify a certain way please let us know! This question really centers around safety and openness. The first part of the question is to cultivate an open relationship with your therapist. The second part is to keep your safety.
How are you?
This may be a check in from your therapist at the beginning of the session. I think the challenge with this question is how often we overlook it. In very few contexts do we take time to sink in and answer this question honestly so when asked in a therapy context it can feel as surface level as if we were at the dentist. But your therapist really wants to know. This can open up the session to any of the different things that you want to work on. How are you from the last session? How are you after seeing your mother? How are you after your work week? You may want to let your therapist know what your experience is when they ask this so that they know if it is helpful or if you need more structure until you develop a stronger relationship.
What came up for you?
This question can be asked in a few different kinds of sessions but is mostly used in experiential sessions (EMDR, sand tray, psychodrama). This question is really just asking what was your experience in that. This can again feel like the pressure is on you to come up with something but it is key just to be honest with your therapist. Things may come up that are challenging. This is important because it can key us into where you are at in terms of distress tolerance and we can back up. Things may come up that feel strange and this is helpful to know what is going on in your brain. Nothing may come up and we may ask to keep going and try the experience again or this may cue us into thinking that this experience isn't right for you right now. As a therapist one of the hardest parts is not getting to live in your being and see what is going on. This is why it is so important to have a secure relationship with your therapist so you know the only thing they “want” from you is honesty and from that will come your growth.
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